Every Sunday our churches are filled with women asking God to bless them with children. These women are seen praying loudly and vigorously, whilst condemning their enemies and the forces of evil standing between them and their unborn children. However, there is often a lot more to them than meets the eye: many such women experience harrowing medical experiences in their quest for motherhood. These dreadful experiences may often leave them with physical and emotional scars. Yet, this aspect of their story is often swept under the carpet; our judgmental society is often content with dismissively blaming their circumstances on a promiscuous past or a spiritual battle of sorts. To make matters worse, friends and family are known for often insensitively asking questions such as, ‘so when are you having a baby?’. Many will go as far as staring openly and questioningly at a newly married woman’s midsection.
Theresa, today a 48-year-old mother of two, suffered for many years as she experienced one miscarriage after the other. However, hers is a story with a happy ending. I met with Theresa at her cosy home for an interview. She is surrounded by her colourful paintings – which she produces at an alarming rate in her free time; two lanky teenagers; a fluffy, well-fed white rabbit and their brown and white restless dog. Getting some peace and quiet is now a problem in a home that was painfully quiet for many years. Theresa is now a loud and witty mother who shouts at her progeny to ‘leave her alone and give her some space’, so she can ‘have some adult conversation’. ‘Everybody in their rooms now!’, she shouts as she points at the bedroom doors with a corrugated forehead. I take in the lively family drama: it’s obvious she thrives on the general commotion. Eventually, even the dog settles into a corner and we can finally proceed with the serious business of an interview.
Theresa got married at the very young age of eighteen. She dreamt of having a large and noisy family. “As a young woman, all I dreamt of was to have a big family and a noisy house full of children. I got married as soon as I turned eighteen and was eager to have a baby but my husband wanted us to wait. I was upset about it. A year into our marriage, he agreed to try for a baby,” she says. At her first attempt to have a child, she got pregnant very easily but suffered a miscarriage within weeks. To add to the trauma, the doctors performed a dilation and evacuation (D&E): a process whereby the cervix is dilated and the uterus is evacuated of its contents to ensure that the patient does not suffer infection as a result of a miscarriage.
I asked her how she felt after the miscarriage. “I don’t remember much, but I remember waking up with a feeling of deep anger and resentment and it lasted for many years afterwards. I still do not know why.” Women who suffer miscarriages are often in need of counselling to cope with the grief of the loss. However, few seem to get counselling as they sweep it under the carpet like a bad dream and proceed with their daily jobs and activities. Again, the probing questions and insensitive comments of friends and family add to the emotional pain experienced.
A year later, the couple decided to try again. The second pregnancy went well for the first three months. Then one day she woke up to find that she had a haemorrhage. Her husband rushed her to the hospital immediately. One night, she called the nurses as she felt she was having a miscarriage. Upon being called, the doctor very nonchalantly said, “Don’t worry: you will have a miscarriage by tomorrow”. Theresa says she felt very lonely and left to herself. It was 1986; there were no mobile phones. “I couldn’t call anyone. I fell asleep staring at the crucifix hanging in my room and hoping it would keep me company.” Unfortunately, the harsh doctor was right: she woke up the next day prompted by some very painful contractions which were followed by a miscarriage. This time around, the doctor decided to perform the D&E without anaesthetic and without informing her of what they were about to do. “I saw the stars from the terrible pain I experienced! It’s a memory I will never forget! My husband and I were both very young, naïve and uninformed. I didn’t know my rights, let alone my options.”, she says.
Theresa suggested adopting a child to her husband but he didn’t buy into the idea. A few years later, they decided to try again: little did she know this would be the worst pregnancy of all. The doctor instructed her to stay in bed; “I wasn’t even allowed to walk to the toilet”, she explains. One day, the doctor performed a scan. She kept looking at the scan and wouldn’t say anything. She finally broke the news; “The foetus is dead”, she said. Her husband fainted on the spot. At that point, Teresa was five months pregnant. “I was left at the hospital for twenty-four hours with the dead foetus in my uterus. It was very sad and distressing”.
“At that point, I had experienced a lot of physical and emotional suffering at a very young age and it had started to affect my personality: I was becoming a very angry young woman. I also felt a lot of resentment towards the doctors for their lack of humanity and sensitivity”, she explains. “I was left to myself without any emotional and psychological support throughout the whole ordeal that took place over the span of several years. I wish I had been provided with the support of a psychologist. I had no such help and I personalized the whole experience and it affected me mentally.”
After the third miscarriage, her husband finally agreed to adopt a child. After undergoing all the required processes, they were finally deemed qualified by social services. The couple adopted a gorgeous baby boy from an orphanage. Theresa felt like she had ‘finally given birth’, in her words. Eight years later, their little son asked for a sibling. He wished for a little brother or sister. The couple decided to try one last time for his sake.
As usual, she got pregnant straight away. This time around, she successfully gave birth to a baby girl. “My gynaecologist was the worst doctor a woman could ever ask for: very harsh and pessimistic. Whenever I sought reassurance, he would tell me: Madam, you can do whatever you want; if you are going to have a miscarriage you can’t stop it anyways! I found another doctor; the new doctor was an angel: he encouraged me and was always by my side when I needed him. I felt fear throughout the pregnancy and I regret the fact that I did not enjoy the pregnancy at all. I felt like Saint Thomas: I would not believe it until I saw it (the baby). I gave birth to a baby girl. She was born twenty-one days earlier than her due date. I had finally given birth seventeen years from when I started trying!”
I asked her if she believes it was a miracle. “You see, I believe in the power of the mind and I believe that whatever we experience on a physical level is a result of some deeply held subconscious belief.” Theresa believes she held some beliefs on an unconscious level that were holding her back: “I didn’t believe I deserved to be a mother at a subconscious level”. She is convinced that adopting her son sort of ‘broke the cycle’. “My son, as little as he was, was very supportive during my pregnancy. Thanks to the adoption, I now had a child that loved me and I was finally able to believe that I deserved to be a mother. I believe that my beloved son was, very possibly, the catalyst for the successful pregnancy”, she says. She says her advice to other women experiencing such a harrowing ordeal is that “Life goes on. Do not get depressed and do not wait too long before you try for adoption. I gave up on having children for too many years before I tried for adoption. I wish I had been a younger mother.”
About the Author
An Interior Designer, Lawyer, Teaching Consultant and Journalist/writer, Dabi Lolomari is a CIAPS graduate of Media and Communications. She can be reached on IG: daby_dabz
